Yesterday, I discovered a mistake in my work so exasperating that I ended up in frustrated tears. It was a legacy mistake, something I didn’t do myself, but had been affecting my world for a few years without me knowing. Because I didn’t know. And it’s my responsibility to know. Three years ago, there was a question that didn’t get asked and it’s going to have some sucky consequences.
This discovery unfolded slowly. I flagged some data on a report. I checked my own sources and wrote down questions. Got on the phone. When I started to feel that something was wrong on our end, I pushed. Though I really didn’t want to push. I really didn’t want to find out what was wrong. But it’s my responsibility and I take it seriously, so I asked question after question until the woman paused, understanding what I was asking, put me on hold, and came back with that note of seriousness in her voice that let me know we had some shit to clean up. I asked more questions, focused on action items to fix it.
For a while, I thought I had made this mistake a year ago. I remembered setting something up in the way that was now decidedly wrong. Once I looked back, however, I saw that it pre-dated my expertise. Someone else had done the setup three years previously and I had copied it over. I wish someone would have told me. I wish I would have known. I didn’t even know to ask the question.
Look, I’m not getting into details but this is not a small deal. There is money involved. And compliance regulations. I think it warranted a gentle roar of frustration in my office, followed by some some tears because holy shit I had tried so hard to get this right and I could not keep this to myself.
I felt my old coping patterns tempt me. Skip my exercise class. Get some wine. Crawl in bed. Fucking wallow because this undisputedly sucks.
First, I went to tell my coworker and finance director. I decided not to hide that I was upset, though I relayed everything calmly. I wouldn’t know the damage yet, I don’t think it’ll be catastrophic but it will be something and he needed to be in the loop.
And when you know something, especially in HR, you have to do something. That’s the rule. Some days I hate it, but it’s ethical and right. Even if I wish I’d never caught this mistake, it would have been worse if someone else had down the line.
Partly, I just wanted to voice what was bruising me from the inside out. It helped. He was compassionate and angry at the person who’d initially made the mistake rather than me, who’d inherited it.
Talking to him calmed me down enough that I went to my exercise class as planned. I went to my writing date, where I had my glass of wine and dinner and worked on my story. I hadn’t cancelled my routine to eat a bag of chips while binging Netflix.
This is my lesson from my year of Rhythm in 2018. Hold the routines on the bad days, especially on the bad days. It didn’t make everything better, but exercising and writing got me out of my head about this work problem. I would solve it. I had voiced it so it wasn’t a weighty secret. I had been vulnerable and talked to my coworker when I was still visibly upset because I knew if I didn’t, the problem would expand in my chest.
It’s really not the end of the world. Probably wouldn’t make my top ten list of fuck-ups in my job. I was just blindsighted that something I was sure was correct was decidedly not.
But you don’t know what you don’t know. And when you know better, do better.
With Love,
Natalie