I didn’t believe in meditation for so long; or rather, I didn’t understand it. When my friend Jenna first talked about practicing meditating every day back in high school I thought she was leaning into the whoo-hoo a little too much . . . meditation was something that “supposedly” took you to a different plane or put you in a trance, right? So once again, I apologize to Jenna for my quiet and unnecessary judgment of something very healthy she was doing for herself.
At its core, meditation is just breathing. Focusing on the breath or a mantra, catching wandering thoughts and refocusing. And look, I think you can achieve a little whoo-hoo through meditation as you learn to clear away that clutter and connect to whatever cosmic or spiritual force you believe in. I was just listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love (I know, a decade later than everyone else) and she talks at length about the long meditations and prayer she participated in while staying at her guru’s ashram in India, reaching a couple of peak moments of what sounded a lot like heaven. I was gripped by it and I believed it, even though I don’t subscribe to the same spiritual practices.
But for the everyday meditator, that’s putting a lot of pressure and expectation to what, to me, is a practice in mindfulness.
I started meditating back in 2015. After ignoring recommendations from my therapist and others I finally gave in because some of my coworkers were doing it, including my boss. Plus I read The Miracle Morning and “silence” was a key component. I was at a time in my life – in the middle of a pretty disastrous marriage – that I would try anything to find a little clarity and balance.
I went through some off and on meditation streaks since then using the app Headspace, but on January 1st, 2018 I set a goal to do 90 days straight (a streak I had accomplished before but wanted to do to set the right tone for my year of “Rhythm”). I did those 90 days, then 180, then a year. And so far, I’ve kept going, now hitting a two-year streak of meditating every day.
What has that actually meant? How has it changed me?
In many ways, it hasn’t. As I said, it’s really just breathing and paying attention to the body and trying to wrangle racing thoughts for ten minutes a day. Or sometimes 5 minutes or sometimes even 1 minute. There is no mystical formula here.
Then, in other ways, it’s changed me a lot. I am prone to fits of anxiety that can tumble into heavy depressive thoughts, but I weather both much better over the last two years than I ever have before. I feel like I have an outsider awareness of what’s happening when these negative thoughts come up or when I’m spiraling. That doesn’t mean I can immediately turn it around and I’m always a walking ball of sunshine, but I find myself coming back to my breath in those moments without consciously thinking about it. Breathe, breathe. Count to ten. Again. It’s become a habit that I think only comes from so long practicing a little meditation every day.
And I am so often bad at meditation — though you could argue you can’t really be “bad” at it. I rarely have times where my brain isn’t caught up in other things and I don’t have to constantly remind myself that I’m supposed to be meditating. I get distracted. I’m not reaching any sort of nirvana.
But I’m showing up for it, and I think even that small act of just showing up for myself each day has made a difference. In boosting my confidence and my self-discipline. In reminding me to connect with my body and my mind intentionally for a few minutes . . . that I exist and that I have control over how I react to what’s going on in my head.
I remember being bored a lot early on, but I don’t really feel that way anymore. Sometimes I still drag my feet in doing it, but I’m always glad that I did. Headspace has been a great tool for me — the app has different meditation tracks including some great wind-down/sleep meditations, some panic/sos quick meditations, one for when you’re sick (which I was grateful for when I had the stomach flu a few months ago and my brain reminded me I still needed to meditate in the throws of my fever), and lots focused on topics like anxiety or happiness or creativity, etc.
Typically I do the “Everyday Headspace”, a straight-forward meditation preceded by a new mindfulness message each day. Or I do the semi-guided meditation, which checks in less frequently than the normal guided but isn’t straight silence. I still like the reminders in case I’m not catching my own wandering mind.
I plan to continue to meditate daily and as much as the streak has motivated me to continue (I am a little competitive with myself), it’s not what’s most important. I’ll miss a day eventually. It happens and ultimately it’s not a big deal. Just start again the next. What’s important is this daily act of self-care for my mind. Breathe in. Breathe out. Have a thought, notice it, and let it go.
With Love,
Natalie