I am doing a program run by friend Jenna this July called Rewriting Your Origin Story. There’s a pre-workbook to complete before the program starts, and in typical fashion, I have not started working on it (though the deadline is this week).
So I’m going to cheat this morning and try to answer one of the questions in this blog: What are you most proud of in your life so far?
What am I most proud of in my life so far?
I don’t know how to start to answer this, but I do have an answer. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of who I am compared to who I was four years ago. I am proud of the decision I made to change my life and leave my marriage even though it was hard and lonely and rewrote my worldview and I didn’t believe I could get through it and when I think, in my thinner moments, of going through it again I honestly believe I can not. It would kill me.
But then I think of what my mother told me last month, that I can handle anything life gives me. And I think, I don’t want to like a petulant child who still wants a parent or a lover to take care of her. But then I also know I can do it. I have this trust in myself that scares me. Like I’m asking for the universe to shatter it. But there it is . . . I trust myself. I’m proud of that.
What am I most proud of in my life so far?
I am proud of my family. Of my love for them and our love for each other and the closeness of our connection. When I don’t believe in love, I think of us. My brother on his high school graduation stage. My mom watching Coco with me. My dad and me walking along the beach. All of us wearing matching t-shirts. That’s love. I’m proud that I can see that. I’m proud to be raised in a family that has my back and that has shown me how life can be good, and loved, and lasting.
What am I most proud of in my life so far?
I think of my career or my school or the commitments I keep to myself. I think of my steady building of a foundation of friends in a new city. I think of my flirtation with alcoholism and how I walked away. I think of the strength I’ve built in my body and the miles I can glide on the trail.
What am I most proud of in my life so far?
I don’t know. Of who I am? But no, of what I want to be. I am proud of who I want to be. Who I am is both good and wrecked and selfish and giving and all of those cruelly joyously human things. I love her and want to be better than her. Can I be proud of that?
With Love,
Natalie