Some body contradictions I’m feeling.
The bright & bold: I feel strong, healthy, enduring. Look at my muscles! Look at my ass! Look at how running gives me energy and how I gave away all my now too big jeans. You look good, great, they say to me. Again and again like shots of dopamine every time I wear shorts or a tight tank top.
The dysmorphic & dour: I am sure thinking about my body a lot. And I go in circles and circles around this thought because I am armed to the teeth with positive self-talk and the knowledge that healthy and beautiful comes in all shapes and that worth has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with weight. All the same, I am sure thinking about my body a lot.
Like many people, I’ve done and am doing the body positivity work. I had a pretty poor track record of self-esteem as a teenager and my marriage crumbling in part because my husband was no longer attracted to me . . . well that’s some shit to work through, right? In fact, I really didn’t start exercising seriously again or intentionally trying to lose weight until I was mostly a-okay with my body. Until I could stand in the mirror and not criticize and love myself fully for who I was, believing I was deserving of life and love.
It’s funny how, forty pounds down, my brain now seems prone to criticize more. Not always. And I catch it. But the focus on tracking and eating and exercising – while I’ve taken a lot of measures to make sure I’m doing it healthily with authority, not obsession – by default brings my body into the spotlight each day.
And I like it, really I do, when people say I look good (I’m working hard for it, after all) but there’s that quiet, unintended implication that before I did not.
We had a book club discussion last week for the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle (which I’ve written about before and highly recommend). We talked about how the focus on our bodies and all the thought and energy that goes into it is just a distraction. It’s keeping us from contributing and feeling empowered and taking on the patriarchy (ugh).
“Bodies are imperfect, and sometimes they let us down. They are susceptible to disease and breakage and entropy. Our bodies can disappoint us, and the world can punish us when our bodies aren’t what they “should” be. So we are not suggesting that you “love your body,” like that’s an easy fix. We’re suggesting you be patient with your body and with your feelings about your body.”
-Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
Movement and health and having fucking energy again to move through life (and through stress) have made me feel powerful and more confident than I have been in a long time.
I can know all that and still realize there’s some self-worth issues below the surface. I’m hoping that continuing to acknowledge and voice them will keep them small, keep me accountable, and keep my judgment in check.
With Love,
Natalie