I threw off all the covers. I kicked and punched out. I woke upside down. I talked. I moved. I ended up with my shirt over my head. My best friend wouldn’t share a bed with me. My brother and I piled pillows in-between us when we shared a queen in hotel rooms. I was wild when I slept.
I compare it now to how I wake in the same position I fell asleep. How I barely need to make the bed because I’ve barely disturbed the sheets. How I tell my friends they don’t need to worry about it if they stay over. It’s been a long time since I’ve kicked.
It’s a good thing, I think. But I wonder how much of the change was growing older and settled, and how much of I learned from sharing a bed with someone I couldn’t relax around. When I was married, I’d keep myself stiff and unmoving as much as I could. I didn’t want to accidentally disturb or touch. When I could I’d drink before bed to put myself to sleep or suffer the long hours trying not to shake on my side of the mattress. Some nights I got up and went to lie down on the futon in the next room.
Falling asleep next to someone is one of the most intimate vulnerable acts. But my ex and I … our relationship was taking blows and we were armored up. Stealing each other’s covers wasn’t an option.
Now, I have a queen bed to myself. I sleep on the left side. I sleep well and safe and rejoice in the freedom to be vulnerable in a space all my own.
Last night I plopped down on top of my covers to read and ended lying in the middle of the bed. I looked over my bedroom and — it’s so small and silly — I felt like my own perspective had changed. Just reading in the center of the bed, instead of sequestered to one side, made me feel oddly powerful. Like a freaking queen in the middle of her giant ass bed. I laughed about it out loud.
I think staying on one side of the bed has been subconsciously telling me that there is space for one more. That someone’s missing and I’m saving it for them.
Screw that. I’m not saving it for anybody. Not to shut down sharing a bed with anyone ever again, but leaving holes in your life for future maybes just leaves you with a lot of holes in your life. I am whole and enough and still loved when I sleep alone.
So I slept in the middle of the damn bed last night. Hallelujah.
With Love,
Natalie