Building friendships is a series of saying “yes” and showing up, again and again. There is a beauty in finding your people, the ones who share your interests and beliefs and whose hearts seem to mirror your own. The cosmic connection of being known by others.
I believe in that, but more so I believe that connection is less serendipity and more a series of choices. When I moved to Austin nearly five years ago I was leaving my serendipitous friends behind and starting over. I was introverted, shy, and more interested in watching Malcolm in the Middle on Netflix than going to meetup groups where you have to hike or drink or play board games with strangers. Mostly, I hung around with my then-partner’s friends and got dragged out drinking downtown.
When my relationship ended it was clear I had not established friends of my own in this new city. I had developing work friendships. I had people who loved me in different corners of the country. But the loneliness of my divorce was amplified by plain loneliness. If I needed help, I thought, who could I call who would be here? Everyone I thought of was a plane ride away.
In depending on people distant from me I was then (unjustly) bitter when they lived lives of their own apart from me. It was clear that my energy needed to go into building close proximity friendships. Local friendships. New friendships.
This was not a light switch for me. I get to know people slowly. The answer was not for me to meet as many people as possible. Rather, I needed to spend more time with my burgeoning acquaintances. Open myself up to invitations. Go to the party. Put out my own social invitations.
In sum, it has been this: 1) Say yes and 2) show up. That’s it. Being a reliable friend is more valuable than being a “cosmic connection” friend. I promised myself to be more flexible to spontaneous day-of invitations (not easy for someone like me who plans ahead). I invited people to see movies with me. I showed up for writing dates. I went to birthday parties. I said yes on days where I could barely get out of bed otherwise. And I got out of bed. And by showing up for people – for kind and good people – they’ve shown up for me. People are easy to love up close, but there are few shortcuts to getting up close to one another.
It’s taken (and taking) time and intention and energy. Years have passed. I can look around now and see my small, good, reliable network of local friendships. I have people to call. I have people who will call me.
It’s not to be taken for granted though. Even old friends need the same attention as the new. They need me to show up to keep them strong. They need me to rebind the connections anew, again and again. To be known. What a gift.
With Love,
Natalie