Brené Brown writes that shame drives two big tapes: “never good enough” and “who do you think you are?”
It’s a no-win scenario. Not worth anything and not deserving of worth. Not getting the chance and not deserving the chance if you get it.
We’re reading and discussing Brené Brown’s latest book Dare to Lead as a leadership team at work. A book I selected after having read it at the end of last year. The more Brene Brown in life, the better.
This morning I reread the section on empathy in preparation for our team discussion and was struck particularly by that second tape: who do you think you are? It sounded familiar.
It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have a job I love. I make good money. I’m on the leadership team and the head of my department. I make decisions that matter.
But I can barely write that. I think I do pretty well – I know I do. I know that I’ve worked for it. That I’ve earned my place at work by being creative and hardworking and compassionate and showing up however I can.
My normal self-talk about this oscillates wildly between a solid prideful pat on the back and a scathing who do you think you are?
Confidence and arrogance get tangled up in my head. And then confidence and insecurity too. It’s confusing. One day I’ll be dancing in front of the mirror feeling sexy and the next morning I’ll feel flabby and uncool. One moment at work I’ll be thinking I’m damn good at my job and the next I have no idea what I’m doing. Why did I think I could do this? Why did anyone?
Two years ago a former coworker said something to me during her exit interview that will stick with me forever: nothing is too big for you. That I figure things out. That I can tackle it. That I handle this job and this life and that I do handle it. Nothing is too big for you. That there are no limits. That I don’t see limits.
She said it emphatically like she wanted me to see something about myself that she saw. It was the best compliment I’ve ever received.
I play that line to myself when I need it. I use it as an answer to shame.
Q: Who do you think you are?
A: Nothing is too big for me.
I play it until I believe it.
With Love,
Natalie