My dad often sends me passages from The Daily Stoic. I gifted the book to him a couple birthdays ago and the messages have resonated with both my parents. I learned about the book from my boss and occasionally read the daily passages about stoicism and integrating the philosophy into your life.
It’s a good read, a good instagram follow, and a good email list to subscribe – but messages are all about timing. Hearing the right thing when your heart is open to hear it is a gift.
Last summer my dad forwarded one of the daily email messages to my brother and me. One part read:
The truth is, you will never be fully appreciated.
Not by your parents. By your bosses.
By your country. By your own children.
But then again, why should you be?
Appreciating you is not their job.
It's your job.
That's why it's called self-esteem.
That’s why it’s called self-esteem. That’s why it’s called self-esteem. It was true and sticky and my brain stuck fast. It’s a mantra I hear over and over again.
I am a Words of Affirmation person (as well as Physical Touch – from the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman). I really like being verbally appreciated and complimented. Ideally while someone is holding my hand. Sure, if that’s not your love language that might seem kind of needy but that’s who I am. It’s how I feel loved.
Here’s the rub: waiting for other people to give you love and appreciation in the way you need it is an exercise in famine. You’ll be hungry your whole life. Or at least be dependent on those who give you that sustenance.
It’s okay to be dependent on others, but never wholly for our happiness. That responsibility lies with us.
For me, I’m always going to crave that external words of affirmation. My boss recognizing me in front of the company. A friend saying a sincere thank you. An I love you.
That’s okay. I think most of us need that external display of love and appreciation in some form.
But I try to depend on my own internal words of affirmation. Awesome job at the gym. You look stellar today. Ready for your morning tomorrow: YES YOU ARE YOU DEDICATED PRINCESS OF LIGHT.
The last one is a verbatim message that pops on my phone every Sunday evening – a note from me to me via the HiFutureSelf app.
When there’s no one around for a hug, I hug myself or hug my cats. (That was a very cat-spinster sentence.)
I try to be polite to myself, saying ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ and ‘good job’.
I give my feelings attention and ask questions: ‘what’s wrong?’ ‘how are you feeling?’ ‘what do you need?’
This is partially a product of being on my own in the city until I built up the friend group I have today. I realized that no one could be there to take care of me so I could either 1) keep feeling like the lonely victim or 2) start taking care of myself. On most days, I choose the latter.
Being cared for is not anyone else’s job. It’s my job.
My happiness is not anyone else’s job. It’s my job.
Appreciating me is not anyone else’s job. It my job.
That’s why it’s called self-esteem.