Saving Gratitudes

My senior year of college I went through a depression that (without hindsight and without therapy) seemed to come out of nowhere. I remember one day I canceled all my plans and took a walk around the Boston Commons and down to the Esplanade. It was a “what’s wrong” and a “let’s figure out how to get your shit together” walk.

I took my notebook with me and began to make a list of everything that made me happy. I was turning over pebbles looking for any joy and gratitude I still had. Each one felt like a little miracle. I wrote down things like my family and Monopoly and my friends and Diet Coke and Spider-Man movies and sitting by the water. I filled up a few pages of gratitudes and happiness and look . . . it didn’t do much. Depression isn’t something you can kill by thinking a few happy thoughts during an afternoon.

But I took my list and saved it away. There were moments I knew I would not have energy to unearth even the smallest gratitudes and I would need reminders. A gift of love to my future self. It came in handy.

I don’t have that list anymore, though I’ve made hundreds of gratitude lists since. After my separation, I filled up a small notebook of nightly gratitude. Six months of writing “Today I am grateful for…” and making a list. Sometimes I was drunk and illegibly scribbled red wine and Merlin fanfic. Sometimes I left encouraging notes for myself. It’s okay, you will be okay and take care of yourself and it takes time.

Last year I used the Best Self journal for a few months and returned to the practice, listing three things I was grateful for each day. This year, I don’t have a written practice of gratitude, though when I do sleep meditations I walk through each step of my day and find reason for thanks: my mother checking in on me, a day well-spent with my friend, a healthy routine kept, a good book, a good show, good cats, and a good life.

G.K. Chesterton has one of my favorite quotes:

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

Happiness and gratitude are all tangled up in one another. You need to know, and know intentionally, what makes you happy and what makes you grateful. In the every day, these things fill you up with light. In the hard days, these things are a refuge. It becomes a to-do list. I love my family so I call my family. I love baths so I draw myself a bath and light a candle. It’s hard to conjure light when we’re in the dark so we need to keep some bottled from the bright days. Make a list, save it away, use it well.

With Love,

Natalie