I am not regulated.
That’s the thought that runs through my head yesterday and through the night. And today, as I sort through work and feelings and what I want and what I need and try to figure out where the gap is. So much I cannot control, but I know I can control myself better than I am. I am not regulated.
By that I mean, I am not doing all those things that I know ground me. Some of them, sure. But not all of them. And all those little cracks in the foundation don’t stand up well under pressure. Emotions and accompanying physical responses that I have had better control of in the past feel entirely out of my hands.
So I need to run through the checklist of basics again. Are you sleeping, are you moving, are you breathing? Those stupid things that make all the difference when you’re in sync but are so easy to kick out of balance. And moving them back in line feels like shouldering mountains into place.
I remind myself we’re only a few degrees off the axle, not upside down. My checklist is not shredded, just messy. Deep breaths. Communication. One step at a fucking time.
With Love,
Natalie