There’s a quote I shared on my Instagram yesterday: January was a tough year, but we made it.
It’s funny because it’s true. The first month of 2020 didn’t play around, and my work life dominated all other slices of my pie in these last four weeks. Some of it was just busy-ness — that perfect storm of everything happening at once that kept me late and dedicating more weekend hours that I would like getting shit done that needed to get done. Some of it was tough — people departures, hard conversations, a flimsy grasp on change management, and at least one truly bizarre HR scenario. Some of it was good — taking on more, being recognized for the good work I’ve been doing, getting a raise. I could never say I haven’t felt appreciated and impactful lately.
Through all of that, there were multiple days’ end where I was like “damn, I could really use a drink.”
But, you know, Dry January. And dumb commitments I make to myself. Or really smart commitments that the universe nudged me towards because it knew that alcohol would’ve only made it worse.
I know it’s the latter, but I have a lot of old programming that makes me feel like I deserve a glass of wine or ounce of whiskey after a hard day where I’ve been doing my best to manage my own anxiety emotions, not to mention the rest of the company’s.
But would I have been able to get up each day at 5 am if I’d indulged the night before? Would I have exercised as much to keep sane and balanced? Would I have sat with my fucking feelings, even though it was — for at least one day this month — truly awful to do so until I sorted through them? Or, if I had the option of a little red wine, would I have numbed them out?
I had my first drink last night at a team happy hour (I know, technically still January but I wasn’t going to beat myself up having a beer seven hours too early to celebrate our rebrand and website launch that I’d worked over the holidays for). I nursed the two beers over three hours, enjoying the conversation with new and old teammates. Later that night, though I’d never really felt the effects of the alcohol, I did notice my body felt heavier somehow. I could tell the difference between the residual alcohol in my blood verses the past month of sobriety. It was uncomfortable.
My drinking has been declining since mid-2018 and, though I have no plans to cut out alcohol entirely right now, moderation has made me much happier. I’m grateful for the January reset and I’m planning to have a very moderate year when it comes to alcohol consumption. My days of drinking an entire bottle of red wine in an evening are long past. as well as, I hope, my days of reaching for alcohol as a stress response.
With Love,
Natalie