It doesn’t have to be this way.
Not eating or not eating properly with take-out containers lining my kitchen counter. A spiraled stress process that robs hours of sleep from me over the week. A neglected apartment — layers of cat hair on the floor, overflowing recycling bags, an empty fridge, and too much laundry.
If that’s the reflection of my first full workweek of 2020, it’s better than I hit the pause button now.
There’s this false belief I fall into in times of high stress and mountains of work and hard decisions. I get a little sacrificial.
You know when Hermionie gently points out that Harry has a “saving people” thing? And Harry gets pissed at the reminder of his very real hero complex (which is completely valid . . . don’t even get me started on the inherited trauma of an abusive childhood and the “you got this, right? Because we will communicate nothing to you about how we are actually handling the situation”-attitude of nearly every adult).
So when I say I get a little sacrificial, I think part of me feels like these drops in self-care are okay if they are in the service of others. I admit it: I like being the hero.
But I came home last night, fucking hungry and exhausted and had a little clarity while digging into my indulgent Mighty Fine’s burger, onion rings, and strawberry shake. Though it’s not in my head — that there’s a lot to do and some days have been tough in figuring out the right thing to do — I don’t have to buy-in to the buzzing, stressful energy of it.
I am okay with working a lot. Often I like to. I like to contribute and help others and take on new challenges. It pushes me to grow. But I am not going to grow if I adopt the victim, chained-to-the-job mindset that frankly is just not true.
I didn’t completely collapse: I ran and meditated and wrote and I feel much more balanced navigating difficult situations that I have in the past. And I’m damn proud that I held that space for myself and didn’t surrender to other bad habits (like breaking Dry January, for example).
Two years ago I was in a place where I didn’t have a grip on anything for myself; when shit went down in my work, I went down with it. After a particularly hard time, I made a conscious effort to create more space in my life in-between work and the rest of it. I still love having both pieces pretty integrated — I don’t compartmentalize as much as many people want to or suggest — but I do need to be in control of my emotions and identity no matter the waves of being HR in a fast-paced company that I care a fuck ton about.
So after sleeping-in, a long morning run, brunching and shopping with a friend, going grocery shopping, doing my laundry, and cleaning my apartment, and doing zero work-work today, here’s what I know: there are stressful situations to navigate still and though I may feel the emotion of that, that’s no excuse to not take care of myself and hold onto my boundaries that actually make me better at my job.
I have agency in this. I refuse to play into the victim-mindset that, for me, masks itself as playing the hero.
With Love,
Natalie