I admittedly have been having *more anxiety than usual* this past week. Not quite the chest pain kind, but the buzzing, I wonder if this small thing will send me into tears, let’s wake up for no reason at 3 in the morning kind. Deep breaths everyone.
I was listening to the latest episode of Glennon Doyle’s podcast this morning and she led by talking about how sometimes she just starts to not be okay. About the gremlins that are thoughts . . . sometimes we are living with a maniac in our mind. (this of course is why meditation can be helpful, it’s a reminder that we are not our thoughts).
I am okay, of course. Or, not of course. But the buzz of a lot of priorities and a lot of desires and not quite enough energy for all of it spins my mind around sometimes. Sleep has been grounding. Even the last few nights with the random wakefulness I’ve read a few chapters and then sent myself back to bed. One day I dozed for over an hour in the morning with one of my cats on my chest. It was peaceful, comfortable.
Music helps too. An old nostalgic song to dance to. I go on a couple of walks and admire the changing leaves.
I get through my lists at work. I had conversations that I’m proud of today. I say yes to too much, I think, but I’m trying to do better. That’s all we can do.
My friend did a tarot card reading for me at the beginning of the year. Now is not the time to make big decisions, she said. It was true then. But I wonder what a tarot reading would tell me now. This year is about roots — a foundation beneath my feet to weather the storms. But roots are also about growing something. The tree grows slowly, up and down, but it grows.
For some stretches, I believe that I have fooled everyone. That everything I do is only a charade – the words, the work, the wisdom. There’s a name for that syndrome. But then I’ll oscillate the other way. Ever the extremes. Is that a Gemini thing?
It helps to say it — however fragmented and vague. It helps to write. It helps to say I’m okay and believe it. I remember a time when that wasn’t true. Small miracles.
With Love,
Natalie