I facilitate a Leadership Development program once or twice a year at work and though I bring in guest leaders to help lead discussions for many of the classes, this week I always keep for myself: Managing Conflict.
I’ve done it for years now and I remember when I first got assigned that week I was scared out of my mind to talk about it. Back in 2016 I had just been promoted to an HR role and was in the middle of separating from my then-husband . . . I didn’t really feel qualified to talk about successfully navigating conflict of all things.
I don’t remember much about those early days, but as I review the material each year I’ve found that I don’t have that gnawing imposter syndrome anymore. Not that I feel like I’ve graduated to Brené Brown levels of conflict management and easily dive into tough conversations. Nope. But I do feel like I don’t actively run away (and am getting closer to taking that deep breath and plunging in sooner and sooner) and continue to see conflict play out in a healthy way that leads to growth and stronger relationships.
Conflict carries around a suitcase full of negative connotations. For good reason. In global conflicts, people lose their lives. In some ways, it has become synonymous with fight. Which, sure, run away from that bullshit.
But conflict on a personal (and professional — I am mostly talking in a business context when we have these discussions at work) is actually an opportunity. There’s a TEDx Talk I’ve started including in the curriculum called “Conflict as a Natural Resource“.
I start with this to try to reframe that connotation. Conflict, when it’s healthy, is necessary, good, an opportunity. And it’s everywhere because we are different people with different perspectives and finding a way to productively dive into that conflict can push us to come up with better ideas and solutions.
To transform conflict from something fearful or dysfunctional into healthy begins with managing our own emotions and perceptions. Taking responsibility for your own emotional wake and your own role in a conflict (you always have a role in whatever conflict you’re confronting) is a start to taking the “blaming emotions” out of it and getting closer to stating reality so you can move from there.
In the book Fierce Conversations, the author writes: “The person who can most accurately describe reality without laying blame will emerge the leader.”
Managing conflict starts right there. What will it take for you to do that? How can you de-stress quickly in tense situations? Taking a breath is a good start or asking to pause to restate the problem we’re trying to solve (a conversation reset).
We had a good discussion about these topics today with our small group of five, acknowledging that conflict is hard. But not leaning into it a barrier to giving feedback and forming stronger relationships.
With Love,
Natalie