I kept looking for excuses yesterday to stay home or go home. It’s a very middle school game for me to play, but my resolve had been wearing thinner and play I did.
In the morning, asking myself if I can reasonably work from home.? Can I cancel my meetings? Would I get what I needed to do? Would I feel worse at the end of the day if I spent it in bed like I so wanted?
I got ready, I got out the door. Leaving earlier even, to ward off the temptation.
Late morning, asking again after a slew of meetings and about to head into more. Feeling uncomfortable in my body and wishing I could ride it out without so many people around. The excuses were on my tongue but they got stuck there.
I stayed. I showed up. Not at 100% of myself, but 100% of what I could give in the moment.
The game waned in the afternoon. Thwarting two serious attempts to bail on the whole day juiced up my energy enough to be productive and by the end of the day, I was feeling positive even, better than I have in a couple of weeks. I went for a run on the trail and my body felt strong.
I’ve had plenty of days where I’ve bailed. Some of those I think it was the right thing to do. I try to believe that I’ve always done the best I could at the time, and there have been points where the bar for ‘my best’ has been pretty low.
That’s not where I’m at now though, and subconsciously I think I knew that yesterday. Who I am now won the battle over the habits of who I’ve been.
What do I need? I ask myself. Sometimes I might really need a day to myself. But most times I need to get up and show up and find that I am so much happier when I do.
With Love,
Natalie