It’s Okay To Want That

On Monday night I had a coaching call with my friend Jenna (who I’ve mentioned before has her own coaching business called Mental Wealth & Wellness). I signed up for her four-week program called “Rewriting Your Origin Story” when she launched her business and am halfway through the work that focuses on subconscious healing.

We dug deep in our conversation on Monday . . . or rather, Jenna dug deep by asking connective, thoughtful questions and I was surprised at what was brought to the surface. I wrote yesterday that we painted out a picture of myself at my highest potential – how writing came up first – but I went on to talk about kids and Door County and deep friendships and community and more.

And then the question I didn’t want . . .do you see a partner in this picture?

I sputter. Maybe. Not really. Not ruling it out. I don’t know.

And deeper . . . if someone wanted all the same things you do, everything on this list of a beautiful future at your highest potential . . .

I can’t want that.

Why?

And out of nowhere I have emotion crawling up my throat and into my eyes and into my voice as I swallow and try to articulate a pain I have soothed and stitched the best I have been able to, yet . . .

Because it was all I wanted. It was my whole identity. It didn’t work. It almost killed me. Letting myself want that is dangerous.

And Jenna, my friend, said something so beautiful to me.

She said, it’s okay to let yourself want that. I have so many other pieces to who I am and what I want – she read back my list of myself at my highest potential – that this is only one piece of it. She doesn’t think what happened could ever happen again, it’s only one piece, not my whole self.

It’s okay to let myself want that (that – a partner, being in love, oh God even writing that makes my heart rolls its eyes, I have work to do) if it’s something I want . . . of course I do, but I need to be okay if I never get it. I am okay if I never get it. I’ve built a life and a dream with love and courage and connection that doesn’t need romantic love to be exactly what I want.

Nothing has changed, but if my values are courage and connection, I think something needs to, at least in my mindset. I’ve been trying to open up my possibilities to include a hypothetical partner in the future – I think it makes me seem like less of a bitter divorcée – but I’m not sure I fully believe it’s even possible. I guess I want to. I want to believe it’s possible. At least then I have a choice.

It’s okay to let myself want that. Deep breath. It’s okay.

With Love,

Natalie