I’ve been trying to name what I’m feeling.
In her book Atlas of the Heart, Dr. Brené Brown defines boredom as “the uncomfortable state of wanting to engage in satisfying activity, but being unable to do it.” She goes on to say:
“What’s unique about boredom is that, depending on the situation, it can wind us up and leave us feeling irritable, frustrated, or restless, or, rather than getting us worked up, it can leave us feeling lethargic. When we have more control and autonomy over the boring tasks, it’s more likely that boredom will leave us feeling lethargic. If we have little autonomy and control over boring tasks, we are more likely to feel frustration.”
I start with this word–boredom–because it’s the first one that pops into my head when I start to examine why I’m not deriving pleasure from things that usually bring me joy. Reading fanfic. Watching shows. Instead, I find myself distracted, scrolling on my phone while a new show is on. Skimming fics I’m not invested in but feeling unable to get out of bed. Then I’m frustrated and lethargic and feel like I’m wasting my precious free time where I’m not working by not maximizing joy. There’s a lot to unpack there. Going for a run helped, it always does.
At moments, yes, I’m bored, disinterested, but I also know boredom can be a great cultivator of creativity. We need to let our minds rest. That’s where our imagination starts to light up. So I don’t think that’s the heart of my emotions.
There’s a more serious word for that lethargic can’t-get-out-of-bed disinterest: depression. I’m familiar, but that’s not what this feels like either. Depression is a cluster of emotions that persist over a long period of time that can lead to hopelessness or despair. Sure, sometimes I’m sad or hurting or exhausted, but thankfully I’m not currently in a depressed state.
I think it might be closer to “stressed” or “overwhelmed”. A little bit of “too much” right now. Specifically “too much” that feels like an obligation rather than something I’m choosing. I’ve been busier at points in my life, but those periods were marked with my own commitments to myself on top of expectations to others: goals around exercise or writing or other routines. I’m scrambling to get a grip on my inner expectations again but I’m feeling drained from work and out of practice in my habits.
I’m restless. It’s hard to focus. Maybe that is boredom by definition–wanting to engage in something satisfying but being unable to do it.
Maybe it’s just winter. I have a trip coming up soon that will get me out of the cold and hopefully shake things up. Maybe it’s being in-between writing projects and not being ready to set a new goal yet. Maybe it’s feeling like I’m at the beginning of a long waiting period for my adoption journey and I hate to wait.
Maybe it’s because I have to wait for Spider-Man: No Way Home to come out on video on demand because Covid got so bad and I haven’t been able to see it again in the theaters and I’m pretty sure if I could just watch that on repeat for a bit my system would reset and I could move forward.
Maybe it’s because we’ve been in a pandemic for two years and we forget we’re carrying that anxiety and grief like everyday ankle weights.
I’ve been working on ways to get through it, a few of them:
- Exercising more. DoingYMCA360 online classes. A couple of very cold runs.
- Making plans. Short term plans like movie nights with my family. Long term plans like spring and summer trips. Looking forward to things in the future helps manage the present.
- Dry January. I don’t really want to count this one because wow I could use a drink but it’s probably good I’m not drinking in a month of a lot of stress. Less than two weeks to go.
- Trying to write this out and ask myself these questions — what are you feeling? why? what’s happening in your body? Journaling and talking are important self-awareness tools for me.
With Love,
Natalie