The last day of 2022. I picked HEART as my word for this year. I didn’t know what it would mean to me, I never do really at the onset. It’s why I struggle up to the last minute about picking my word (even with me having to decide on a new one tomorrow).
My heart felt, in many ways, bruised and battered this year. It was the most difficult year of my professional life. An event this summer tested my values. Who I wanted to be as a leader was tested. My heart ached in my chest for weeks and it took me months to feel like I was actually moving on and moving forward. I think I grew from it.
I wrote at the beginning of this year about Heart that:
- I want to know what’s in it; I want to show what’s in it.
- I want to fortify it. I want to leave it wide open.
- I want it to ground me when I falter. I want it to keep beating if it bleeds.
- I want to wear it on my sleeve.
Do I know what is in my heart? Have I shown it? I think so. I can think of confessions, vulnerabilities, and discoveries expressed to myself and others throughout the year. I know myself better now and how I want to present myself to the world.
Have I fortified it? Have I left it open? At times. My heart got closed up for a spell but I’ve been trying to reopen it. Right now it feels stripped bare. I feel like it’s going to be stomped upon, but here it is — open.
Does it ground me? Has it kept beating? Yes, yes, yes. My lacerated heart keeps healing and beating and loving.
Do I wear my heart on my sleeve? I don’t think I could hide it if I tried.
When I think back on this year I think about my friends — weddings, and camping trips, and summer visits, and selfies sent after runs. I think about my family and Hawaii trips and hot tub evenings and walks around the point.
I think about waiting, waiting, waiting.
I think today about my heart being as ready as it ever will be. But there is more waiting, waiting, waiting ahead of me.
I didn’t do everything I wanted to this year. I didn’t write another book and I’ve pulled my last book out of the query trenches for now. But I did write my first D&D one-shot. I wasn’t great about exercise routines all year, but I’ve fallen into better habits the last few months. I kept meditating, I officiated my friends’ wedding (again), and went tent camping for the first time in years (only for one night, but still). I spent time by the water, had fires in the fireplace, and ate good meals with good people. I kept growing. My heart kept growing.
I wrote a year ago, “Come what may this year, I’ll have heart.” Deep breath. I have my heart.
With Love,
Natalie