I chose the word Roots.
I wrote, a year ago: “I want to feel planted. I want to feel the roots growing beneath my feet with more connection to my new home and community and investment into the important relationships in my life. I want to be intentional about becoming the person I want to be and reinforce habits that ground me and prepare me for whatever the future may hold. I want to start building that future.”
I’ve never had a year go exactly as planned, but I’ve loved my word this year. That metaphor of being grounded, while still growing. This was my first full calendar year in Door County. I’ve never felt more connected to my family. This is the year I started to take steps to build my own family through adoption.
I was reflecting with a friend recently about the difference between loneliness and being alone. I have spent so much of my life aching with loneliness. And now, in this quiet little town in the woods where I’m alone every night, I do not feel lonely. Far from it, actually. In so many ways I feel full. Friends and soulmates and family and people who see me for who I am. I’ve started to see myself for who I am in a new way this year.
There’s a Rumi quote I used at the top of the year: “Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots.”
I am still unearthing.
I did not do everything I wanted to do. My biggest disappointment this year was around running, after getting injured in the spring I never quite snapped back. I’m still trying to find the right next chapter there.
But, I did draft another book (trash draft, revision one, revision two). I did start an adoption process. I did carry a lot at work and I feel proud of what I’ve contributed this year, the kind of company and culture I’m helping to build. I did write in this blog, every damn day again. Shitty haikus and random reflections for threes years running.
I did keep up a meditation streak — that’s four years now. Even if was just a minute to breathe, I breathed every day.
I did read 100 books (and so much fanfiction).
I did get vaccinated. And boosted. Covid-19 is still kicking our ass right now, but I’m so grateful for the protection I’ve been afforded.
I did struggle at times. I felt some stress creeping into depression earlier in the year. I leaned on hard-won lessons: connecting with others, rhythm and routine, therapy, creative expression.
Last year I ended my post with this: “I don’t know what 2021 will bring or every way my word will show up for me this year, but choosing it makes me feel like I can handle any way the wind blows as long as my heart lives in the roots.”
That feels true to me. I am sorry to let this word go, but I’ll carry its lessons with me.
With Love,
Natalie