PostSecret had a lot of
The PostSecret project was created to help people give up the burden of their secrets. Secrets, the project emphasized, are not worth weighing us down. We could also recognize our secrets in others and see we’re not so alone.
I was thinking about secrets last night. About how I don’t have any. Not on purpose, anyway. Not like I used to. In childhood, I held secrets about my depression and loneliness. Later, I held secrets about my sexuality: even though I didn’t experience shame for my identity, I didn’t think it was important to use the word bisexual as loudly as I do now. When my marriage fell apart I held the secret as long as I could, ashamed of how quickly the honeymoon period had ended (if it had even begun).
Today I imagine my small secrets and watch in amazement as I give them away without a thought. I fear that speaking what I want to others will increase my shame if I fail. It’s happened before and will happen again. In college, I was open about my plan to run a marathon, but I didn’t. The failure felt all the more painful because I had let people in on it, though of course my friends and family were supportive.
Despite this, I keep learning that my body does not like my secrets. They grow and grow the longer I hold them, creating twisted narratives about who I am that I start to believe. When I create a goal that I may fail—to meditate every day, get a promotion, apply for a writer’s retreat—I initially plan to keep it to myself and see how it goes. Yet I don’t. It surprises me how freely I give up these pieces of myself. But I’m glad I do.
I never sent a postcard to PostSecret, though I thought about it many times. Instead, every time, I voiced the secret to someone I loved. My vulnerabilities need room to breathe. They’re safe in the hands of my friends.
With Love,
Natalie
P.S. Secrets by One Republic was stuck in my head while writing. I strangely remember if from the soundtrack of The Sorceror’s Apprentice.