Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. Not getting clear with a colleague about expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering, is unkind.
Brené Brown
I used that quote in a training for managers today to talk about a hard topic — performance management processes, uffda. Today’s training was too specific and process-oriented to be worth recounting here, but I do think about that Brené Brown quote often. Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
Good advice that is easier said than done. Saying hard things, rocking the boat, giving feedback when someone has disappointed you . . . it sucks. Or at least it sucks if you’re me and walk around constantly untangling the ball of anxiety in your chest.
At work I’ve seen this blow up and do real harm — unsaid expectations or backchannel comments instead of direct feedback that suddenly comes to a head, becoming impossible for someone to fix even though they never knew anything was wrong. I think many of us can apply that to personal relationships as well. We think we’re protecting a relationship for the sake of harmony when what we’re really doing is stacking resentment.
I ponder this a lot — how can I be clear and kind? — because it does feel really hard to me. For example, it’s easier for me to say hard things to other people’s direct reports than my own.
But I’m getting better at it, even though I do want things to magically smooth over. Sometimes they do. But most of the time I need to have a conversation. That’s where I need that quote in my head because it is one of my values to be kind, and a value is only real to me if I can show up living that value when it’s hard to do so.
With Love,
Natalie