I know I’m not alone from getting emotional whiplash this week. The reality of what’s going on right now — the pandemic, people losing their jobs, the tipping point in an economic crisis, the completely incompetent and racist leadership of our country, navigating both personal and business anxieties as HR, living alone while social distancing — is, in moments, really hard to sit with.
I am not even close to being a wreck about it. My relatively high-functioning self has rolled with the changes and while yes, a little more glued to my phone and incoming news that I usually am or should be, gotten work done, made healthy meals, gone running, and connected with friends virtually.
And in other moments, like Monday night, for example, I felt this breakdown in my mind that made me want to cry and stay up late and have another beer. I realized that some of these patterns — staying at home all the time, for example — looked a lot like depressive behaviors and while it’s been a while since I’ve been in a depressive episode, my body remembers what it feels like. It’s almost like it was reacting on instinct to the cues that are out of my control.
This means that routine is more important than ever — all those healthy ones I’ve built up for the last couple years and are so very hard to stick to when a huge wrench has been thrown in the world. But for me, they give me strength. At the same time, I’m being much more forgiving of little breaks in those habits. I have not gotten up at 5 every day, I have had a drink or two on weeknights, I have written this blog in the evenings instead of with the sunrise. It’s not perfect, but being perfect isn’t my priority right now.
I keep checking in with myself — what’s going on? how are you feeling? what do you need? — and accomodating best I can. Maybe that sounds silly but I am the only one here with me and I want to be okay to help others, mainly through work right now by helping the business and our employees navigate through this uncertainty. But I also want to be there for my friends as they’re being there for me.
So it’s okay when I breakdown a little bit as the impact of so many people losing their jobs and struggling for income in the wake of restaurants and other businesses shutting down. I donated to the Stand with Austin fund, bought some gift cards from my favorite sub shop to use when this is over, and texted my friends how I was feeling to help get it out of my body. Not that it’s gone, but I can keep moving forward.
There is so much positivity and creativity that’s also coming out of this — great stories of people helping each other and businesses stepping forward to provide free resources. But there’s no doubt this is a difficult time. I know we’ll get through it together, but it’s good to keep checking in (with myself, with others).
With Love,
Natalie