Austin — Lakeway, at the resort with the big room again where nothing went right last year.
Maybe this year it’ll be different.
I shower at 1:30, lights off by 2 and at least I made it.
A long day on little sleep, but it’s okay, I think, mostly. I am a convincing shadow. But a shadow nonetheless.
It’s warm here, sweltering, familiar. A good thing.
Business is done over whiskeys and late nights, like a TV show. I try to keep up — I wander.
I find a way to say it casually, like it isn’t tearing me apart, like I see the light. I do, I think, I hope, I keep trying. That’s enough. It must be.
There’s Torchy’s Tacos — another good thing. And a big room that swallows me up. I may not deserve it, but it’s not about that, not really.
I think about the lyrics from “Follow My Feet”: “If I don’t take it, somebody else will”
I hate that. It’s the villains’ verse. And yet. Here I am, in the big room, in the big conversations. An observer. An imposter. I hear there’s a syndrome for that.
Breathe deep.
With Love,
Natalie