I think it’s healthy to figure out how to be alone without feeling lonely.
I’ve had two conversations in two days about this. My therapist once told me there are so many lonely people. We survive off our connections to each other.
But being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. Introverts certainly understand this, but even as an introvert I’ve had to become more comfortable being alone. I’ve lived by myself for three years — the first time without roommates or a partner or my family or a dorm full of students. It was a decision of necessity at the time but it was the right one. I needed space to be in control of my life completely. I needed to figure out what to do when no one was physically there for me. And we all know that you can be lonely with others around by not feeling known. I was so lonely in my marriage. Living on my own was lonely too at first, but felt more grounded. I knew where I stood.
I needed to take steps to build a connection with others to abate my loneliness. And I did, but building human networks takes time. Being known by people takes time.
So I also needed to take steps to build a connection with myself. To learn how to take care of myself. To learn what a good day felt like and how to get through a bad one. To learn how to give myself a pep talk or to learn how to take myself out for dinner and a movie if I was feeling stir crazy. To learn how to ask for what I needed from my friends and not wait around for someone to need me. To learn to be alone with my thoughts and not be afraid of them. To learn to trust in who I am.
And I still get lonely. Sometimes. I scare off loneliness by planning ahead time with my friends. I scare off social burnout by planning ahead time with myself. I need both in equal measure.
I think it’s healthy to figure out how to be alone without feeling lonely. You are the only person you’ll be in a guaranteed relationship with your whole life. Make it a good one.
With Love,
Natalie