I would do this day differently three years ago.
September 13th, 2016 I went to court, stood in front of the judge to ask them to grant my divorce, and texted my newly official ex-husband from the government bathroom that it was over.
I went downstairs to get the name change order, the back upstairs because I’d forgotten the paperwork, and then drove to Target to purchase Captain America: Civil War since it was released on DVD that day.
I went home, watched the movie, got interrupted by an all-hands deck situation at work and jumped online to help. I waited for my friend to call like she said she would, but she didn’t. Later in the day, I’d find out that her dad had been in a terrible accident and she was on a flight home.
Two of my coworkers stopped by after work to drop off cheesecake and champagne.
In the middle of the afternoon, home alone, it all caught up to me, and I sobbed until I couldn’t breathe.
Divorce is just another bad breakup, but it’s the paperwork, the formality, the dragging on the logistics that reopened the wound over and over again. I was wracked with anxiety going through the process — I filed the petition on my own, I got the paperwork together on my own, I went to court on my own.
It needed to be done. I’m happy to be divorced and I have never regretted the decision, but looking back on this day three years ago I do regret thinking I had to go through it alone. I didn’t ask for what I needed. I don’t think I wanted to need it. But I did. It was one of the loneliest days of my life while I was, in the light of a cold official courtroom, ending a relationship that had defined me for a decade.
If I could do it differently, I would have asked someone to come with me. If I could do it differently, I would have let myself be more vulnerable and be okay with letting people who loved me witness what I was feeling. I would have asked friends or family to travel to be with me. Or I would have asked my ex-husband to come to court as well.
It was one of the hardest weeks of my life. A week earlier I had attended a funeral for a coworker. A few days later I’d attend my cousin’s wedding. Today, three years ago, I got a divorce.
I hope I have learned from this; I hope I ask for what I need now. I think I do, but this memory punches it home, fills me with sadness and regret — I was alone, but I didn’t have to be.
With Love,
Natalie